Last night I dreamt of seeing some kind of a pipe hole in a wall and some movement inside. I saw a scorpion coming out! I grabbed an insecticide spray and gave it a good one down the pipe. And then... a little bird came out! A titmouse, poor thing, completely intoxicated, rolling its eyes and tripping at every step... I was shocked! It was sad but also funny. I said: "Oh my I didn't know it was you, sorry, dear... but why in the world were you sitting in that pipe?" I put it on the window sill hoping it would come around. Then a cat started giving it curious looks and I shooed it away. I thought that if the bird dies at least it would die high as a kite. But I think it came to its senses later and flew away.

When I told Ed this dream he said: "Look whom you are hitting before you do it..." Good advice!

I woke up in small hours and suddenly had this flash.

I am a Japanese woman crying my heart out over a body of a guy on the floor and kissing his face.

I was enourmously sad and more so, because he wouldn't let me do it when he was alive! He was a Samurai, you see - noble, honorable, righteous - but also aloof, reserved, taciturn, and all that Bushido!

So I am sad, very, but also angry: "Is THIS what I was waiting for???" I am finally free to express my feelings - when he is dead, and precisely BECAUSE he is dead! MEN!!!

The feeling? A centuries-old grief.

I am back from Barcelona with some lessons learnt! (I hope). But I'd better tell the story step by step.

Episode 1. Autumn 2006, my first experience with Amma. I got into the program thanks to my sister-in-law who has been doing "seva" (humanitarian job) in that event for a few years, so I decided to try. India as such always attracted me anyway, and it seemed a good enough beginning
That time, a very close friend of mine was staying in the Middle East and would love to come too (I had sent her an article about Amma and her speech at the World Parliament of Religions and she was impressed). But she couldn't - the time and the circumstances and the stars were not right, I suppose. So I told her not to worry, I would keep her photo with me and it would be as if she were there, too. Good idea? Excellent, actually!
I got her photo and made a pendant of it - I hanged it on a thread around my neck, so she WAS with me wherever I went (at least on the astral plane . When I received the first Amma's hug... I just flew away. I think I was very much tuned into the wave, maybe I was expecting something special so the wishful thinking materialized... That may be, but it is not always the mind's games and placebo effect, is it, it was just... a very authentic experience. I felt like a baby very happy to see its mother although it doesn't even know the word "mother" yet. Just this... presence that made me feel really good. I went euphorical, and off to the kitchen, to peel potatoes and chop onions for the good of the mankind.

I kept my mobile phone off the whole day. About 5 pm I decided to switch it on for some reason. I found out the reason about 5 minutes later: my friend called me. It was like I switched it on precisely to receive her call! "Oh my god I don't know what is happening, I am crying and laughing at the same time, hugging everybody, I feel so much Love!" I said: "Well... you got your first hug!" Then she asked me what time I got it -it was around 11am Spanish time. "I knew it! I knew it! I just suddenly felt it!" Mind you, I didn't tell her what time or day I was going for it. She just knew that I was going to spend a week in Barcelona in this event, but about the darshan (the hug)... you never know, it may be the first day, or the last, or not to happen at all. Whatever is happening there is "right" for some reason.
Anyway. So she felt the loving hug through thousands of miles, and I think it was amazing.

Episode 2. Autumn 2007, Switzerland. Before going there I spoke to that friend on the phone and she mentioned a couple of mutual acquaintances that were in a rather difficult situation. A very difficult situation, in fact. I said: "Well... I can take their photo and see what happens (Amma blesses photos sometimes) - but you know, their case is different from yours. You read about Amma before, you liked what you had read, and were sincerely willing to come. You couldn't - but it didn't matter, you got a virtual hug. But they... I am not sure if they know anything at all about Amma, and maybe it is not their way?" (The girls are Moslems, and pretty conservative ones. Although they are charming). So we agreed that I would take their photo with me, yes, and let Amma decide.

So there I was, in the darshan queue again - and consumed by doubts! "Maybe I am being pushy?" (I put the photo back in the bag). "But Amma's blessing didn't do any damage to anybody yet as far as I know, so why not?" (I took the photo out again). "But maybe it's my ego talking - 'I am so wonderful, saving the world here'?" (the photo goes in). "What's the matter if it is ego or no? they do need some help - at least some positive vibes, if nothing else!" (the photo goes out). The struggle was going on until I looked at the watch and it was 00:00 - so I decided that it was a "yes".
And when I was in front of Amma I gave her the photo - she looked with a lot of attention and kindness; and a compassionate smile - and gave me a nice long hug and lots of little kisses. So it was fine, in the end. My conclusion was that she was giving me green light to bring more people that needed help.

Episode 3. Autumn 2007, Barcelona. There I am again - in the queue with yet another photo of yet other two persons. And doubting again whether I am worrying excessively about other people and should instead take a better care of myself! I mentioned Amma to those two, you see, but got no feedback. It was one of the cases mentioned in "Is It Time to Say "Oops" again?" post. This time, I got tired of wrecking my brain very soon and left it to Amma again.
Guess what? She didn't even look at the photo! I tried to hand it to her but she didn't pay it the slightest attention, just grabbed me (quite strongly, actually), I got my dose of love - and she was off to hug the next person. I stood up with: "Aaaaah... and the photo?" But the moment was gone.

The feeling I got this last time was: "Alex, you don't have to bring me all the people that you know. You are here, I am here, and it is fine". And taking it a bit further, it goes for the communication (and in fact for lots of other things), too: if there is a sincere, heartfelt desire from the both parties - go ahead, why not. But by no means it is an obligation!

I think it is a good idea. Listen to your heart first, then decide whether it is worth the effort.
Amen! (or should I say "Om"?)