Maybe I am paranoid but I see a strange pattern that I don't like at all...

A couple of years ago Person A, still new to the net, used to write me about five e-mails a day. Then, naturally, it dwindled out to about 1 message a month, then even less. I would send the routine "Hey, is there anybody out there" and "Are you alright" mails. The answer was usually "Sorry, was busy will write soon x". Eventually I got sick and tired and decided not to bother wasting my time. Soon after I decided that a common friend told me that hadn't heard from A for quite a long while and was actually worried. I sent her a text saying the usual "Wonder if you are still on this planet?", got the usual "Sorry, have been busy, will write soon" - and then not a word for a few months. I thought that that was it and decided not to bother AT ALL. "You, lousy person - out of my List of Contacts!" (I didn't delete her address but I stopped writing). Then about half a year later another common friend told me that A had actually had an awful car accident and spent half a year in a wheel chair! I said: "OOps..." Later A wrote to me telling the story, and "Sorry, couldn't write, now I sure shall" and I said: "No worries, I am just glad that you are alive..." She does show up once in a while and since I am not waiting on her anymore I consider it a pleasant surprise

Person B. An e-mail every day, then about two a month (which is rather normal). Then she tells me "I am off to the Xmas party (the 2006th one), will write tomorrow and tell you all about it". Two weeks later I felt that the Xmas party had been stretching for far too long, even if it happened to be a really good one, and wrote to B exactly this. No reply. "Are you alright?". No reply. I started getting panicky thinking about accidents (there are a few of them every Xmas night, aren't there) then I thought that I was wiring myself up and she probably simply doesn't want to keep in touch - what's my problem? I have enough friends, you know... In about two months she suddenly pops up in the net and tells me: "Oh, I've been on vacations, sorry for not telling you that I was going away". "Yeah, alright, hope you had a good time - although you did have me worried, you know?". "Oh, yes, I'll make sure to let you know in the future". That was the last I heard of her for about three months. I had some good news about a common friend that she used to be very close with, too, and send her an e-mail. Guess what? yes, of course - no reply. Then that common friend came to see me in Barcelona and we decided to text B and see if the three of us can chat. The text went off, and what do we get in reply? "Pray for me - I am in a hospital in for a cancer surgery!" At her 27 years! We looked at each other and said: "Oops..." Of course we did say a prayer and a few mantras and sent her lots of healing vibes. About a week later I decided to check on her and sent a "how are you doing, hope the operation went well and you are better?" text. You don't have to guess anymore - no reply. Ha. No reply for a few months. I said to the common friend: "You know, I think she's gone. The last message was 'I am in for the surgery' and then no connection forever and a day, what does it look like to you?" We wished her to be well wherever she was and said yet another prayer.
Half a year later! she shows up with a fwd: fwd: message of the kind "send it to 25000 people, if not, divine punishment". I said: "Oh... you! Well, welcome back to the world then, and nice of you to let us know you were alright!". The answer? "Oh, sorry, have been busy" %)
She is in touch, sporadically, but still. Again, I don't count on anything. I probably shouldn't be bothered either.

Now there is Person C who, it seems, is repeating the same pattern. Lots of communication (14 messages on a good day) - a sudden short (oh, nothing, just a month) communication gap - then "sorry I am fine it's just that (blah-blah)" message, intense communication again - sudden dead silence again.
My pattern: I get angry at the first communication gap. When I feel sick and tired of people being lousy -this is when they show up. At the second communication gap I decide to throw the towel in for real - and this is when they get hit for real!

Is this the case with the Person C now? Is it time to say "oops" again? I hope it is just my paranoia and this time we'll do without intensive care units!

I've just reread this post and I've seemed to be some kind of a controller to myself! I didn't mean to, honestly... I think I should actually stop worrying about people - I am not their mother, after all. If they need my help, let them come. If they just want to drop a line, always welcome. But I shouldn't be bothered about their well-being THAT much, everybody is in charge of their own life. Right?

(this one was a couple of days before the "karma dream" I wrote about yesterday - but I had it when I was in the countryside and there was no computer for miles around).

I was with my ex sorting out... life experiences!
We were little kids, 4 or 5 years old, and "the experiences" were a pile of toys. We were sitting in some... well (?), it was dark and muddy but we didn't care (kids don't usually care, do they, they eat bugs and measure rain puddles, and then their mother scolds them for making a mess of themselves. And they are like: "Eh? But we had such a wonderful time!")

So we were sorting our good and bad "experiences". "The ball is good, let's put it into the "good" pile. The cube... naaah, I don't like the cube, this was not nice. The cube is out! The pyramide? Yeah, it was ok, it is a bit dirty, but spit-spit, rub-rub, and there is goes, in the good pile..."

Funny, wasn't it! And then in a couple of days I had the second karma dream, about having a lot of good karma and as little as possible of bad karma... I don't remember now, which pile of "life experience" toys was bigger, in the end? Erm... remembering my second dream saying "we don't have enough of good karma" it was probably not the good one that was bigger... oops...

This was a big fat leelah - a Murphy's Law one!

The trip to Switzerland to see Amma happened very much on the spur of the moment. I was preparing for a driving exam the next day when Maria called all excited about going to Switzerland in their motorhome and asked me whether I would like to join. Since I had my head full of traffic lights, dangerous bends, coolants etc., and since the decision had to be made on the spot I said no. Then I put the book away and thought better - why in the world not, if the exam was the next day and they were supposed to leave the day after? It wouldn't matter anymore whether I failed or passed, it would be over anyway! But to dash off just like that? Yeah, man, as if you've never done it before... In the end I said: "Amma, I am really tired of wrecking my brain, I've been living submerged in doubts for a few months by now... If it is right for me to go now, please give me a sure "no doubt" sign!" The next second I got a "missed call" message - the missed call from Maria that I was supposed to get 2 hours ago but it obviously got lost in satellites' connections. I decided that that was a sure enough "yes" and signed up for the trip

Before we left I asked Maria how we were supposed to survive for 5 days without a shower and she said that it was no bother - we could do it just fine in the motorhome, and get some more water on the way if needed. So off we went, gypsy style. And then the leelahs started!

A few hours of journey later (it was an 11-hour trip, all in all) the water pump broke down. Water we had, all right, it just wouldn't come out... Since everybody in the truck (5 persons) are into signs, coincidencies, messages etc., all read "The Celestine Prophecy" and some are for a few years with Amma by now, we started thinking about what it could possibly mean. Then again, if one looks for a message every time one has a shoelace gone loose, wouldn't one go mad? We agreed that before trying to find some esoteric explanation we should check if there was any loose wire. Nope, there wasn't. Alberto (Maria's husband) was struggling with the pump for ever. No luck, or rather, no way. It just wouldn't start with no apparent reason. We were not getting it - surely Amma wouldn't like us to go around like Neanderthals for five days? But if not, what was the reason?

The next morning Alberto managed to "shower" himself with 5 glasses of water. So, could the message be "you don't need as much as you think = waste less"? A fair enough message... but the pump was still out of order.

The shower problem was looming big and tall by then. Luz, one of the Barcelona program organizers, went to the Swiss office to explain the situation and to check out whether we could use the sport center's (where the event was) facilities. The answer was a flat "no" - the showers were apparently reserved only for those that had the lodging reserved. Swiss organization, you see... no margin for an error! Luz came back with the report, all fuming (this woman is an incarnation of fire, it is not for nothing that her name means "Light" - a 1000V one!) and said more or less this: "Bah! So what! I'll do it anyway when nobody's watching!" Maria has a lot of fire, too: "What are they on about! It is supposed to be a humanitarian aids function, well, we are humans, too!" So them two were all blasting out Terminator style. On the other hand, Kusumita, who is a softer, more timid, watery type, and me, who has an enourmous complex about rules, norms and especially prohibitions of all sorts, were like those two creatures from Star Wars - I: The Phantom Menace: "Oooh, ooh, we don't know, why to look for trouble? Maybe Alberto can still fix the pump... it can end up bad... let's wait..." Looking back, I see a curious polarity there...

The first day was okey-ish, the second was much worse. It was the definition of "Bad Hair Day", at least for me. I was seriously thinking of getting some scarf and going around Punjab style. I was sure everybody was looking at me and thinking "this woman is a pig" - but I was still too afraid to cross the red line of the showers (although I did check out their location, but the people who showed them to me were very edgy too: "I didn't say anything and you didn't hear anything - they are very strict here you see!" The tension was growing and so was the "need for a shower" factor. By midday I was suffering, by night I was agonizing. I got a hair band but little good it did, I am sure.

In terms of the program, night is the time for the teachings and singing. Amma goes on a stage and talks about love to the world and everybody listens. It lasts about an hour. Everybody wants to get as close as possible but being close doesn't guarantee you a good view if, say, there is a big or tall person in front of you. But I was lucky to get a strategic position - I could actually see her in a little gap between two heads.

So Amma was giving the speech, the translator was doing his job and I was just there listening and not getting anything because the translation was into German. I started drifting away in my thoughts that slowly turned into this: "Amma, you don't really want your children to go around dirty like pigs, do you? I'd be very surprised if you did! Please give me this chance, I don't want to go for your hug looking like a tramp! Well... alright, if I don't manage to get into the shower I shall accept it as a lesson in something else. I don't know what, maybe in not giving that much importance to the look? OK. But I am still asking you for the green light!"

She suddenly turned this way. Could it be possible that she was actually looking at me? I am not sure. But then I suddenly felt a stream of energy filling me, I felt taller and bigger and generally stronger - it was some Star Track stuff, I have no words to explain. The two-days doubts were gone as if evaporated, I was suddenly ready to get up and go - right then! It was a very strange and completely unexpected change. I thought: "Alex, you'd better move now before you change your mind again" - but then it seemed impossible how I could have wasted so much time on doubts!

Right. Then I needed Alberto, cos he held the keys for the motorhome where everybody's stuff was. How to find him in a sports center with about 2000 people there? Easy. I just had to turn my head, and there he was. "Hey, Alberto, let me know when you go there, I want to grab the towel" - "Oh, you don't have to wait, Maria is there right now!" So everything was pointing to "Do it - now! The door is open!". I flew to the motorhome (Maria was there, sure enough - could have gone out at any second or have taken a different route, couldn't she?) and marched back blowing myself up with determination. (Mind you, I was still nervous about finding some screaming Frau Rottenmeier there - we were in Switzerland, after all - but I was actually preparing a speech about the right of every being on this planet for a good shower! Now I was a Terminator to be reckoned with...).

So I did it. In - out - and feeling civilized again! there was only a couple of French girls there but we only saw each other for a second when I was already leaving. Ooooooffff... what a relief... thank you, Amma!

When I was through and back in the hall, I looked around and saw Amma's photo on some table - grinning from one ear to the other! Like "Look at you! Well, well, well, you did it, didn't you?" It was such an appropriate picture that I started giggling. "Well... yes I did it - with your blessings! Thanks, I knew I could count with you!"

And the icing on the cake: the next day the pump was working as if it never went wrong Maria opened a tap more out of habit than out of hope, and the water started coming out. She turned to us with her eyes and mouth wide open and said: "But this is a miracle! Look at this, the cables are all out, it SHOULDN'T be working!" But it was. We looked at each other and said: "It's a LEELAH!"

So the three of them, Luz, Maria and Kusumita, had their showers in the motorhome just fine. In the end, it was only me (the one who was wrecking my head with doubts more than anybody) who actually did get to the forbidden showers...

Switzerland was a "squeaky clean" experience... Let's see what lies ahead in Barcelona - and it's coming on soon!

Lots of people going somewhere with some purpose - it seemed there was some special event planned.

I was with some guy (my ex, I think) and he wanted to embark on a journey. I was saying: "Look, we don't have enough of good karma to pull us through. Karma is like a car battery: if it is full, if there are enough of good things stored there then you can go wherever you like. But if it is empty, or half-full, you'll stop in the middle of the way, just like if you didn't have your car battery charged enough. So let's make sure, first, we do a sufficient number of good things, and then we'll be safe during the journey until we reach the destination. Or else, it is like an aerostatic balloon - good karma pulls you up, bad karma pulls you down. Before you think of going anywhere, make sure you have enough of good karma and try to get rid of the bad one!"

Then I saw a white dove in the sky, like Picasso's dove of peace. The sky was cloudy, but the dove was brightly lit, as if the only ray of sun that was there that morning was falling directly on the dove. And somehow it was a comfort.

Then I woke up, full of joy and with some chant in my head (I wonder if I was actually singing in my dream?) and the room seemed very light, in both senses - well illuminated and lightweight. Technically, it was about 2 am so it was not morning yet. But I was very happy and convinced that I knew everything about karma, it seemed so clear! I just knew it all.

When I actually got up I couldn't remember all that global understanding that I experienced during the dream - I could only recall that bit that I've just written. But it is probably enough at least for a time being.

Inspired by Ozzzie

The cold season is coming - let's beat it!

I am arming myself with natural (Granny's recipees. This is a Filippino granny's recipee:

1. Make your tea as usual.
2. Put a thin slice of fresh ginger in it! (or a crushed chunk of ginger). Add a slice of lemon if you like.
3. Let it infuse for a few minutes.
4. Filter the tea if you have opted for crushed ginger.
5. Enjoy!

Are there any Filipinos online? Can you confirm if I got the recipee right - and correct it if I got it wrong? (I learnt it ten years ago). You'll do a favour to all of us in the Northern hemisphere that are now bracing ourselves for the winter... Thanks!

I also know that red and sour fruit is good: lemons, cranberries, pomegranates, grapefruit... Eat it raw or make infusions with it, and it will do wonders.

Hot teas or herbal infusions are great! Taking hot beverages one basically flushes the infection out, so the more cups the better.

Any other recourses to battle with running noses, sore throats and exhausting coughs?
Everybody is welcome to share!

Peace, Love and HEALTH
Cheers!

Leelah: joke, trick, play, sometimes a set-up!

When you work with Amma (The Hugging Saint, www.amma.org) "a leelah" would mean, most of the time, this: when you have everything planned, sorted, calculated, organized and it seems that nothing can go wrong - it does, and you have to improvise and take decisions on the spot. Makes you sweat like there's no tomorrow, but after a while you are trained a) to be an excellent trouble-shooter and b) to, generally, go with the flow...

This time, the "leelah" was not exactly "Murphy's law" but it certainly was a trick!

We went to Amma's program in Switzerland just to be tourists, to take it easy and enjoy because in Barcelona we all have responsibilities and shall be up to our ears saving the world. So at a certain moment at night I was in the darshan (the hug) queue, and the queue monior asked me: "Your language?" (Generally, Amma speaks her native malayalam, but when she hugs you, she tells you something sweet in the language you speak - like, "mi amor" or "my dear son" etc. That's why the monitors ask you about the language). So I answered: "English". The girl turns to the one standing next to Amma and says... "German"! I said: "No, dear, it's English..." - "Oh, sorry..." Then I am already in front of Amma, ready for the hug, and the second girl tells her "German" - again! I say again, no, it's English! And Amma talks to me in German anyway! It was sweet, she said "meine Liebe" (my love) - but why did they insist on speaking German to me when I said "English" three times???? Weird!

Now, most of us know that almost everything happens for a reason, but around a spiritual figure of that caliber just about 99.99999% of the things have some reason behind them! So I started thinking.

I mentioned that we were supposed to be tourists during this Swiss program, but for me, the action was missing, so I went to the kitchen - there are always some potatoes to cut and onions to peel for the good of humanity (Actually they turned me away three times: "No, dear, we are fine right now - why don't you go to meditate and watch Amma, and charge yourself with positive energy? Then you come back and bring us some". Three times! But I did get in, in the end - I was bored).

So I told that English-German language cocktail story to the kitchen crew and they agreed that it was weird, strange, curious, and what could it possibly mean? And then I added: "Well... as a matter of fact, my native language is Russian..." and the general response was: "Aha! So tell it to Amma, then!" I was skeptical: "Guys, it really doesn't matter, I lived away from Russia for so long that I don't really care, English is just fine. And since when Amma speaks Russian?". But one guy (he has been taking part in Amma's programs for years, so he knows the score - better than me, definitely) was insisting: "No, I mean it, the native language is important - just say it, just tell it to Amma!". In the end I agreed that I'll try... "Don't try - just do it!" ("Yeah, alright..." - I was still not convinced).

This night I was in the darshan queue again, and the monitor asked me with the Swiss precision: "What's you NATIVE language?" I thought: "Oops... no escape this time!" and said: "Russian... but English is fine!" The boy said "No worries" and commented to the one between him and Amma that I was Russian. So there I go... and Amma speaks to me in Russian! It was so sweet and I was so surprised that I started laughing! And then she looked at me with this all-knowing wise look that she has, as if she sees right thru you, "an X-ray look" I call it, and it was like: "I know who you are... I know where you are coming from... you don't have to pretend to be something else cos you are fine, and I love you the way you are!"

It was such a relief on some subconscious level, I can't explain it.

Yesterday I was thinking about blogging this while listening to one of her CD's. It was a new one, I didn't know the songs (they are mostly in sanskrit but some are translated). And what did I get? "Where I can just be me?"

God certainly has some sense of humour... the saints, too!

Now, let's see what Barcelona brings us...

Once upon a time there was a farmer who lived in a small community in ancient China torn by feudal wars.

One good day the farmer's horse escaped. The neighbours gathered to sympathize with the farmer saying that he had a "bad luck". The farmer thanked them and said "Maybe".

A few days later the horse came back and brought several wild horses with him. Again, the neighbours got together to congratulate the farmer on this "good luck". Again, the farmer said "Maybe".

Some time later the farmer's son tried to mount one of the wild horses and ended up falling and breaking his leg. The neighbours came to the farmer's house to comment the "bad luck" that he had. Once again, the farmer said: "Maybe".

In a couple of days there came soldiers to recruit the young men of the village. The farmer's son was young and strong but since his leg was broken they let him stay with his family. The neighbours gathered once again commenting the "good luck" of the farmer's son. Yet again the farmer said: "Maybe".

Destiny is something similar to this story. We never know. Something that seems great right now might turn out to be not that great later on. And something that we just can't accept will be more than welcome in different circumstances.

Ramesh Balsekar "Consciousness Speaks"